of beggars and blessings
there are a bajillion beggars in Seattle. one on every street corner, especially every block that leads up to the freeway. I see them every day. rarely the same one twice. I hate them. I really do. I hate their pathetic acting faces, their stupid cardboard signs, their messy hair, their pushiness, their expecting something for nothing attitude and how I feel uncomfortable when I’m at a red light and they want my attention.
one time I tried to reason with myself and push all of my own assumptions aside. I bought a bag of chips for a beggar outside a grocery store. her sign read “anything helps” so I offered her food, while her head was down (looking the part of sheer pathetic). she looked up at me, looked at the food, said “no” and put her head back down. I was fucking furious.
I believe there is this saying that—stop me if I get it wrong—“Beggars can’t be FUCKING CUNTS FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID SMELLY BITCH!”
Then another time, there was a cheerful Vet on a corner who had a good attitude and a messed up leg. I was stopped at the light and tried once again to change my own attitude towards beggars. I gave him a dollar. A WHOLE PAPER DOLLAR (MAYBE EVEN 2 I CAN’T REMEMBER) and he was so gracious and grateful. it made me feel good. I liked helping that guy out. even though I really needed that $2, I have been unemployed for a year and a half and would totally be homeless if it weren’t for a loving boyfriend. it’s tough, I know it is, but I’m not going to stand on a fucking street corner with my hand out because that is shitty.
anyways, after this TL;DR (it gets TLer) rant, I just want to share a bizarre experience. my third in giving a beggar change in my whole life. I was thinking, as usual, about how much I hate homeless beggars as I have previously stated, because I saw 3 in less than a mile stretch. I was rounding a corner from the offramp where I have seen beggars before and lo and behold, another beggar stood patiently. I was the only car to arrive at the red light.
I looked at him. he shook his cup with a plea in his eye and I shrugged “I have nothing” and then he bowed very deeply. he was a tiny brown asian man with a dirty baseball cap and old crumpled jacket and long shorts, too big for him. his left eye had no eye lid because half of his face was badly burned. he could barely hold the cup as one of his hands had a wide open festering (this is definitely the word to be used) wound that looked untreated. it was like he had JUST crawled out of a fire.
Usually I vomit a little when I see any type of human deformity because I am insensitive and grossed out by gross things of the flesh. but I didn’t this time. maybe it was his deep bow, and his tiny asian-ness (you know my love for asians) that made me dig around some car compartments. I found a 50 cent coin (I will never use) and a quarter (25 whole cents!!!) and rolled down my window. he got so excited! I put them in his cup. wether 75 cents does anything at all for him, faking it or not, I felt compelled just this once. and if he was faking it, that was some damn good wound flesh make-up and he deserves some credit.
the weirdest thing of this all, why I’m spending even the time to write this out, is I totally said “god bless” when I gave him the change. I have never ever said that in my whole life. I don’t believe in god and if I did, this dude was definitely not blessed and 75 cents is not a blessing to be that thankful for. god gave this dude the shit end of the stick, and I said the dumbest thing I have ever said. it just came out of my mouth? I didn’t even realize I was saying it until it was said and then I almost was confused that maybe someone else said it. I don’t think he spoke english.
I’m so weirded out that I said that. I wish I could’ve given him some teriyaki chicken instead.
epilogue: I rounded the corner. about 2 blocks away was a young 20-something clean-cut gay hipster boy with hot pink sunglasses and a fur trimmed jacket, annoyingly shaking a cup on a crosswalk intersection corner. when cars were passing him by, he looked irritated he was ignored. I was so pissed. go get a job at american apparel, you prick. or at least go give blowjobs in a back alley, you’d be more useful.
the fucking nerve.